Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Thoughts on Life at 33...

Tap tap... Is this thing on?

I can't believe I haven't written a post in over 2 years... 2 YEARS! Life just happens... And I feel like a million and one things have happened within those two years. I've gone from having a newborn and leaving my 9:00-5:00 job (last blog post) to having a toddler and a baby in my belly, to now having 2 children. Family unit complete!

There's been happy, sad, stressful moments. Friendships that have drifted apart and more that have grown stronger. Family drama, friend drama... Trips, travels and love in between. I've learned a lot... A lot about other people, but even more about myself.

Club 33... Someday 

Today is my birthday and I'm feeling 33 is a weird age... If we all have the life expectancy that we hope you reach 100 then that means 1/3 of my life is over... If it ends before that then it's even more over. The effect this is having me is just... "Girl, time to get your shit together" 

I feel so different since Chelsea has been born. Having a daughter has made me look at things a lot closer. A young girl can be very impressionable. It's making me examine the kind of influence I want to be on her, which has made me examine myself a lot more.

I've realized in the last 2 years I lost a bit of myself. Perhaps I was just caught up in new mommyhood, but I feel like I lost a piece of me. I used to be a confident person and maybe to some still appear to be one from the outside looking in. Somewhere along the line I put myself last and got a little lost. Where did my self confidence go? When did I become such a people pleaser? When did I start letting peoples negativity affect me so much? These traits coming forward are not something I want my daughter to see. I want her to be confident... I want her to be respectful and motivated to make her own way in this world.

I will definitely say being pregnant again was not a confidence builder for me. Who's body is this? Am I supposed to be comfortable in it? I've said it all along and I will til the end... There are people who love being pregnant... And those that can't wait til the end... I'm the latter not glowing preggo. While I do count my blessings that I was able to get pregnant naturally with both of my children and there are those that are less fortunate... I'm so happy I never have to do it again. 

I feel like now that the part of my life where we're building our family is over, it's time to get back to "Girl, get your shit together"  

Sooooo let's get my shit together!

I'm going to ease back into blogging, I miss writing here. I've come up with a basic structure that focuses on things going on around town and spotlights on local artists so stay tuned. 

I'm going to be rebranding, redoing websites, logos and renaming everything. This blog, my vintage shop and maybe even Green Cycle. I bet no one even really knew I had a vintage shop... You will soon :)

I feel like I'm shedding a layer of skin, blossoming, shit if I was a bird I would be molting. Ha! I can't take any of this old stuff with me. Starting fresh for myself feels so great. No more negativity... No negative people, no negative feelings, only onward and upward.... If I could just get medical clearance to start yoga again that would be grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat (office space voice) :)

So! Now it's time to put up or shut up... And let me start here....

Last year, (before I knew I was preggo...actually I think I was pregnant in the photos and didn't know it) I was involved in Self Revealed: The Naked Photography Project. I can only count on my one hand the amount of people that knew I did this. Self Revealed is a photography project in which women of all ages, sizes and color have the opportunity to express & validate their beauty on their terms. It's about body acceptance. No matter what you weight, size, color or creed it's about loving yourself and the skin you're in. Over 100 women had their photos taken.

I did it... And holy shit was it liberating!

I didn't share this with very many people as I was too concerned about the judgement or thoughts from other friends and family. The me now is like wtf were you thinking! This is absolutely ridiculous! I'm so proud to be a part of this project! The exhibit will run at Gallery 2014 into April

So I end this blog post with my photo courtesy of the amazing Elizabeth Sanjuan at Gallery 2014. Love to all!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Monday, Monday.... la la la la la la....

Monday I did something I've dreamed about every single day since I started Green Cycle Designs... I quit my day job. No, I didn't walk in and scream, "I won the lottery, I'm outta here!" I very calmly (with my heart beating out of my chest thinking I was having another awesome episode) did it. I did it.... I DID IT! I gave notice and as of February 1st I will officially be my own CEO, CFO, COO & most importantly... Artist & Mommy! Ask me what I do for a living, "I'm an artist!" Can you say lifelong dream being fulfilled?!

Although I've been dreaming about this for a very long time, I have 2 very special boys in my life that made it a reality. First of all being my husband for believing in me every step of the way. For the 6 years that GCD has been around he's been my "unpaid intern". That's a long time to not collect a paycheck :)  He helps me at every show, he shleps everything, packs the car, paints stems for me and he even secretly sometimes gets creative and we say that I made it... Shhhhh :) Thank you Andy, a million times over. I love you!

And secondly my Baby Max...  Yes, my son who all he can say is "Eggy", scream for fun and blow raspberries has 100% motivated me to do it.

You see when I first went back to work from my maternity leave I was a mess. Max had reflux for the first couple months and we were just getting into our routine and having fun and then BOOP! time to go back to reality. I realized in that first week that by the time I picked him up and got him home, I only had 2 hours a day with him. 2 hours a day, 5 days a week and that being if he didn't take a nap when we got home. Did I say I was a mess?

I would ask family and friends how they did it and was returned with "you make it work" or "it just kind of becomes your routine" and even some answers of "Ugh, aren't you excited to go back to work?" and I can remember thinking, "NO! This is not for me! This is not what I want for my life!"

So as the story goes I went to my parents one day to pick up Max, I don't know maybe a week or so into my return to work and had an absolute melt down. I needed to be with my baby... not want... NEED. It's crazy that this primal instinct comes over you when you become a mom... Like they aren't lying when they say you would literally jump in front of a train for them. After a long discussion and picking up all the pieces of my heart I decided what I had to do..... I needed to make it work.

I went home to Andy that day and had a long discussion. We agreed that since season was upon us (Christmas is just that for etsy sellers.... Christmas!) we would see how it goes and take it from there. This of course gave me permission to be an absolute crazy person and stay up until 1:00am and then get up with Max at 5:00am. I did this for oh maybe 2 months straight, became a zombie, didn't see any friends, folded paper anywhere I could, got a terrible flu.....but you know what.... I did it... I FUCKING DID IT! ahem... excuse my French, but I did it!

I remember reading a book a few years ago... I want to say it was the terrible follow-up to the book Eat Pray Love and in one part she goes off on a tangent about how much her mom sacrificed for her and how she had to put her own dreams and desires aside and leave them unfulfilled. I remember thinking at that time too... "No! It doesn't have to be that way if you don't want it to be!" The only obstacle in front of you is yourself and if you want something bad enough, you can do it! You may have to bust your ass and catch a wicked flu to get it, but you'll get it.

I feel like the before and after Tara... And so far I'm loving the after Tara. This is me... This is what I'm meant to do, be and feel. I've grown GCD so much over the past 6 years so much with working a steady 9:00-5:00, that I'm over the moon to see where I can take it when it's my full time job.

Thank you to all of my family and friends for being my endless support system. You come to shows, you buy and gift my wares, you help me fold, you lend me tables, you make silly pretzel banana caterpillars with me at shows... you're just the best group of people a girl could surround herself with and I'm endlessly grateful. I couldn't do it without you....

So on that note, I just want to say cheers to 2014! I hope it brings you everything you want and desire in life, it can if you want it to :)


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Whoa... I'm Going to be a Mom Tomorrow!

July 11, 2013 is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life. It will be up there in that "happiest days of your life" category along with your wedding day and any other milestone days that may stand out in life. I'm going to be a mom tomorrow... It's a lot to take in, regardless of having the 9 months to prepare it's a huge moment.

I went to the OB yesterday (my due date) and this little boy in my belly has completely stalled out. What seemed like he was making crazy fast progress a month or a little more ago had me thinking he would be here early, he then decided to just hang out... and grow... and grow.. and grow... to oh about the 9 lbs they think he is now. My belly is measuring 42 weeks and I'm 40 weeks - I've removed the newborn clothes from my hospital bag.

So because of various things, mainly his size, how high up he is and the fact that my body is doing nothing to help him progress downward, my doctor and I determined my little boy will enter the world tomorrow at 2:30pm, 2 days late via c section.

Andy and I are extremely excited to meet him... And I'm extremely excited to sleep on my stomach again.

I just put the bottle of champagne from my baby shower in the fridge (Thanks Cari) and I'm trying to figure out where to have our final meal as a twosome tonight. Though I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea of the baby being pulled out of me, it's kinda cool that I can just go in and have my baby. Ask me about this again when I'm in recovery... :)

I was a little melancholy yesterday that I won't get to experience the thrill of my water breaking and the rush of running to the hospital to do the one thing my body was made to do... But I can sulk on this or I can get excited that I will be holding my son tomorrow... I choose the latter.

So think of us tomorrow at 2:30 when we welcome the newest Ackerman to the world... Love to you all!

Friday, March 8, 2013

It's been a while (again)...

I'm going to be 30 tomorrow...

I think birthdays always put me in a reflective state (as you can see last year here) and I've truly got a lot to be thankful for in this past year. I was warned that 30 was difficult for a lot of people, but so far it's only a number to me. I'm overall just grateful to be here.

Yesterday I had a health scare when I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding out of my chest. It literally woke me up. This has happened to me before, but always in the middle of the day and I've been able to kinda calm it down and stop it within 5-10 minutes. This went on for 45 minutes. I ended up waking Andy up and we went to the Emergency Room where 6 people rushed in, put electrodes on me, put 2 IV's in my arm, and told me there's nothing they can do for me without harming my child. "We can electric shock you, but we have to sedate you and we're not sure if it will harm the baby" or "we can give you drugs that we're not sure will harm the baby" AWESOME!

Soooo I ended up extremely lucky because they tried some holistic things first like ice all over my face and an artery massage. Finally, they gave me a beta blocker in my IV and that did the trick. No electrocution of me or the baby necessary. We went to my OB and baby is doing fine but, also going to a cardiologist today to find out wtf is happening in there. The entire thing feels like a bad dream.....

In some ways, I'll always be a Fullone

Once again this has made me realize how extremely short and fragile life is. And how many blessings I have. Talk about a wake-up call before a monumental birthday.

So today, I'm counting some of the things I'm grateful for....

My mom had a horrific accident this year that she has fully recovered from (though she will sometimes talk about her scrambled eggs brain) :) It's more of a joke at this point. I appreciate her with all my heart and the love and friendship we have.

Isn't she cute?!

My amazing husband. It's so hard to believe that Andy and I have been together for 11 years (what?!) because the time just flies by. I have truly found the tweedle dee to my dum, my best friend and the love of my life. I'm so ready and excited to move onto the next stage of our lives together. I love you!

Oh just hanging out in London....

Getting pregnant, which while trying felt like it took forever to finally happen and was stressful, was rewarding and life lessons were definitely learned. Although you think you can control your body, sometimes you can't and it's totally out of your hands. There is a master plan for all of us though. I think the 6 months it took was actually not so bad (hindsight is always 20/20) and the timing for when our baby boy will come is impeccable.

The much requested bump picture, here ya go ladies! 22 weeks and counting!

My family and friends - I wouldn't trade 'em, any one of 'em for the world! They are my rock and constant. Although people come in and out of your life, my friends are lifers. I love all of you!

I love my family :)

Craziest Group of Kids Ever.. Love them all!

Our house - We've moved out of our terribly small condo and into an actual no sharing walls, yard bearing, 3 bedroom, more than 1 toilet (2.5 actually) amazing house. It even has a room that we're decorating for the baby... I'm in house love and I haven't felt that in a while.

This kitchen almost makes me want to learn how to cook, well maybe.

GCD - My company keeps growing by leaps and bounds. I'm amazed every day at the awesome feedback I get from it. I've been steadily growing my etsy shop and adding more and more shows each year. The ability to do this full time is definitely in the view... So excited!

Flowers, Flowers Everywhere!

I truly believe 2013 is the year for us and I'm excited for everything that it will bring.

Come on 30 - Bring it on!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Happy Birthday Cari....

Oh my dearest Carl.... Happy Birthday! I couldn't let you off the hook without an embarrassing birthday post like Marie's :)

What started as an ew moment at the Sawgrass Mall in 2005 has moved into an amazing friendship that can't be compared - Thanks for being a friend, confidant and overall pusher smurf. Who doesn't want a best friend who has the same wardrobe and shoe size? Just think, in 40 years when we're living together and going to Bingo, we'll only have to buy one instead of two of everything.

So, without further adieu... Embarrassment and good times -

Birthday Girl with the best meal ever...
Tarpon after Bunco....

There's a party in my tummy... So yummy so yummy!

Raining on the 4th of July 2007, Litt-al Umberella

Hard Rock 2011

My bachelorette - 2007

Awwwww sad Carl and Rachel at the Delano

Cari's Birthday 2009? See... it's the same guy?!

LOL... Another Tatu night, That's my girl!

Tatu Night... My Birthday

LOL... I promptly stole that dress and still wear it

I think we need stock in Tatu...

Party at D & M's...

Who could ever... EVER forget this gem?

LOL... Do you remember this?!!?

Another night at the Hard Rock...

Halloween 2009!

Right before Cari went in for a tattoo....

Awwwww Hotel Victor 2006!

Awwww litt-al Casey!! Strolling down Lincoln Road!

Look how little the kids are - wow! 2008!

We've officially come full circle with being fully clothed in a pool

Christmas 2006?

I only remember this was New Years 2007 and we had the
giggles so bad that everyone went inside annoyed with us....

A preview of us in 40 years with the big sunglasses and hats - 2009!

LOL... Remember this?!

The original 4.... Miss you Ang!

Seat, Peepee, Hotdog - Keith's Bday 2008

Cari's 30th at Hotel Victor 

Superbowl Party at D & M's

Lunch at Van Dykes.. BYO Champagne.. LOL

Awwww Carl and Kalik!

Wedding Night Fun...

Another Birthday... Another Tatu night... 2007

Cari's first shower 

Mark and Jess' Wedding - 2008

Obsessed with the zombie head - Halloween 2011

Andy Scott sandwich... Halloween 2011

Halloween 2007 at D & M's

Sex and the City movie fundraiser...

YUM!!!! Preggo wants a mini cake!

Dawn, Cari and I at Jill Zarin....

Aleece's Visit - Tarpon Bend
Woohoo sexy legs!!

Holy Tatu-ski

Nothing like a pool cue to the butt....
And finally.....

Love from Bobby Z
Happy Birthday!!!!!! Love you, Retari!